The Pieces

The first thing I noticed after waking up was the smell of bacon. Then, the memories of the day before flooded in. It was a bittersweet start to the day.

In the kitchen, I found Bradley at the stove busying around. On the counter, he’d already finished some scrambled eggs, and a stack of toast was forming. I sat down at the table and watched him work.

When he realized I was there, he turned and looked at me, tongs in hand. “Good morning, baby.” He stayed at the stove, watching over his bacon.

“Morning.”

“How are you doing?”

“Not great.”

His expression saddened. “I thought a big breakfast would be good today,” he offered.

“Yeah, breakfast is always good. Thank you.”

He smiled and turned to move the last slices of the bacon to the growing pile. He brought it over to the table and set it down in the middle. As I was I moving quite a few slices to my plate, I remembered that my car was still in the driveway. I jumped up from the table.

At the window, I looked out and when I saw it, a sinking feeling came over me. It really did happen. I turned around to face Bradley and asked, “What are we going to do?”

Bradley returned to the stove as he said, “About the car? I was planning to run to town to get some stuff to take it off. Shouldn’t be a big deal.”

I leaned back on the counter. “No I mean, like, what do we do?”

Bradley stared at me. I wasn’t sure how to be more specific, as everything felt so foreign. Nothing like this had ever happened before, and all I knew was that my entire life had stopped last night. I didn’t have a clue what might come next.

“Well, I think the car will be fine afterwards, it should all come off.” He took the toast and eggs over to the table and sat down. It was disappointing that he didn’t understand what I meant. As I tried to find words, he poured the orange juice into each of our glasses. The sound of the liquid had never been so loud.

“Yeah, but should we call the police?”

“Oh, I already did. They’re coming by later.”

“You did? When was that?” I returned to the table and slowly slid into my chair.

“Earlier.” He munched down on a slice of toast, looking as casual as ever.

“Oh, I didn’t know you were up so early.”

“It’s almost 10.”

“Oh.” I looked over at the stove clock. It read 9:47. Oh. “I guess I slept in a bit.”

“You were tossing and turning until about 5, so I didn’t want to bother you.”

“Yeah, I had the worst time trying to fall asleep. So the police are coming? What did they say?” I took some toast and eggs onto my plate.

“They wanted to see the car and then ask you some questions.”

“Okay. Okay, good. I guess I better get ready soon.”

“It won’t be for an hour or so, no rush.”

“Okay, right. Good.”

I couldn’t help but feel that a chasm was growing between the two of us. Bradley was being incredibly supportive, but he was also acting so nonchalant about everything. I took a forkful of my scrambled eggs. They tasted so good. I tried to calm myself down and play along with Bradley’s mood. If he could be so calm, maybe I could too.

---

At 11 o’clock, a police car came up our driveway, and we went out to meet them. There were two officers, and they looked at my car, took a couple of photos, and made some notes. They asked me about what I was doing at the store and how I had come out to find the car. The wanted to know what time everything had happened at, but I couldn’t remember at all. All I could do was replay coming around the corner of the store building and seeing my car.

The longer the police were there, the worse I felt. They assured us that they would be looking into it, reviewing security footage, and doing everything that they could. It felt impersonal though, and I wasn’t sure if that was normal, or if they were just playing the part. I wanted reassurance that what had happened was a hate crime, that this was more than just property damage, but I wasn’t sure I was going to get it.

After the police left, we went back in the house. Bradley grabbed his truck keys and told me that he’d be back in a little bit. I told him goodbye and watched him walk to his truck and drive away. I didn’t want him to leave me alone, but I was also grateful that he was going.

Still at the window, I glanced back at my car. Without anyone there, the gravity of what had happened overwhelmed me again and I began crying, and before long I was full on sobbing. I grabbed ahold of the counter to steady myself. My cries were loud, and it sounded as if they were coming from someone else. I spiraled into them more and more, leaning over the counter and covering my mouth.

For several minutes, I released the emotion that I’d been unknowingly holding in all morning. It felt like release, but also scared me with the gravity of how affected I was. How could someone have been so cruel to me? What else were they planning to do? Did anyone else understand what had happened?

After my cries quieted, I realized that my tears were on the counter. I grabbed a paper towel and wiped them up, and then used it to dab at my eyes. I turned to face the kitchen, at a loss of what to do or where to go. I was too numb to come up with an answer.

---

A half an hour later, Bradley returned and set to work cleaning my car. I felt that I should help him, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house. Going outside again felt dangerous, and I really didn’t want to get up close and personal with the spray painted message.

Inside the house, I sat down on the living room couch. Our living room was on the front of the house, with a window facing the road and two others on the side of the house. It felt strangely exposed, so I stood up and closed the curtains at each window. Sitting back down on the couch, I pulled my legs up onto the cushion and wrapped my arms around them.

I knew that I’d have to explain myself to Bradley when he came in, but the quiet, darkened room was what I needed. I tried to embrace it as much as I could.

After fifteen minutes had passed, I remembered that I hadn’t had any water that day. I stood and went into the kitchen. I poured a glass and couldn’t help myself from glancing out the window. To my relief, most of the spray paint was gone.

I watched as Bradley cleared the remaining paint, his focus solely on the job. He hadn’t even asked me to help him, he’d just gone about it. Maybe I hadn’t given him enough credit earlier.

I sipped on the water and it cooled me down. I looked at my car, and tried to imagine myself driving it again. Even once the spray paint was completely gone, I didn’t have any desire to go anywhere in it ever again. Maybe it would just sit there for a while, waiting for me. I hoped that Bradley would understand.

A few minutes later, he came into the house. “Hey. It mostly came off, you have to get pretty close to see it.”

“Okay. Well, thanks for doing that.”

“Of course.” He washed his hands at the sink, scrubbing hard with soap. “Are you going to book club tonight?”

I’d forgotten that I had a schedule. It must be Thursday, that was usually when I went to book club. “Oh, um, probably not. I can catch it next month.”

“Okay. Yeah, that makes sense.”

I sipped on my water again, unsure what else to say. Fortunately, Bradley continued.

“Do you need to get out of here?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know, take a ride. Take the four wheeler out back, ride the trails for a bit.”

Truthfully, I didn’t feel like leaving the house. “That’s okay.”

“You sure? I always feel better after. I promise to go really fast. I think you could use it.”

“Alright, you know, yeah.” The promise to go fast got to me, I love speed.

Bradley smiled and said, “Hell yes. Let’s go!”

Out in the shed, I helped Bradley open the big door and then hopped on the back of the four wheeler behind him. He started it up and backed out of shed.

“Hold on!” he yelled over the motor. I wrapped my arms around his torso and held on.

He peeled out in the gravel in front of the shed and then we were off. We passed through the opening in the fence and took to the trail that Bradley had formed over time through the grass. He pushed the throttle hard and we sped up faster and faster.

He was wearing a ribbed tank, and my fingers felt the little ribs as I squeezed him tighter and tighter. We bounced over the uneven land, and the overwhelming fear from the night before slowly loosened its grip on me. At least for that moment, I was free.

---

That evening, Bradley returned to the store. Everything that I had bought before was food and supplies that we still needed, and the most convenient place to get them was in town.

I had suggested that there were other stores that weren’t too far away, afraid of what might happen if Bradley returned to the scene of the crime. He wasn’t bothered, though, and it seemed as if he was curious to see what he could find out.

After anxiously waiting for him to get back, I heard the crunch of the gravel as his truck came down the driveway. I slipped on my shoes by the back door and went out to help him carry in the bags.

He was getting out of the truck as I approached. “How was it?” I asked. I fidgeted with my hands, unable to control them.

“Fine! Yeah, no problems. Just went about my business.”

I was relieved, but it felt a little like there was something he wasn’t saying. We each took a group of bags and brought them into the house. We took off our shoes and set to putting everything away.

As I stocked the canned soup in a cabinet, I wondered how to ask for more information. I tried, “See anybody while you were there?”

“Yeah, well, Thad was there, so we chatted for a while.”

“Oh yeah? How was he doing?”

“Pretty good.”

I put away the last can and turned to face Bradley.

“That’s it?”

Bradley looked as if the jig was up. Reluctantly, he confessed. “They were talking about you.”

I stiffened, and increased my grip on the counter. I knew it. I knew that they would be talking about me. This was the part that I feared more than what had happened.

I looked at the floor. “What were they saying?”

To Bradley’s credit, he didn’t seem to be delighted to be the messenger. “I overheard Thad talking to the cashier about me. He must have thought that I was out of earshot. I think everyone in town knows about what happened. They were feeling sorry for me and I heard them saying that they were surprised that I was out and about.”

I nodded, still looking at the floor.

“When I went up there to ring my stuff up, they asked how I was. So I put on a show and told them we were working through it. I hate how they all talk.”

I pursed my lips in agreement. “So everyone knows.”

“Yeah.”

“Did they say anything about me?”

“Not really.”

I hated them for talking, but it was crushing to know that they didn’t have anything to say about me. It didn’t make any sense, but it felt infuriating to be a ghost in my own gossip.

Bradley continued, “I wanted to tell them that I’d heard them. They should really be more careful about stuff like that.”

“They didn’t even ask how I was doing.” I said this as a fact, to no one in particular. My anger was boiling over, and I wasn’t sure that I had any control over it. “I can’t believe it. I go in there all the time and I’m so nice to everyone and they didn’t even ask how I was doing. What a bunch of disrespectful—.” I cut myself off before I went too far.

I wasn’t proud of how I was reacting, but it was beginning to feel as if there was no one to defend me. No one who was coming to assure me that what had happened was wrong. I was still unsettled by the police response, having no idea if they were going to help or hurt the situation. Even Bradley had only gone as far as trying to make me feel better. I needed so badly to hear him say in no uncertain terms that what had happened to me was a hate crime. Without that, I was losing my own grip on it.

“I’m going to bed.” I left the kitchen without letting Bradley respond and went through my bedtime routine on autopilot. I got into bed and turned out the light.

I heard Bradley finishing up in the kitchen, quietly putting away the rest of the shopping. I was angry with him. It wasn’t fair, but my anger had to go somewhere. We still didn’t know who had done it, and who knew when we would ever know.

I stewed in my anger until I finally passed out an hour later. The comfort I had felt the night before with Bradley by my side was nowhere to be found, and deep down I knew that he’d done nothing to push me away.