Shattered

I gathered up my shopping bags, thanked the cashier, and then left through the sliding doors. I’d come into town that evening on one of my weekly trips to get food and other odds and ends for the house. Outside, I rounded the corner of the store into the parking lot, and it was there that I saw it. On the side of my car, a gay slur had been spray painted.

Blanking out, I dropped the shopping bags, sending containers of food flying and busting open a glass jar of strawberry jam. Taking in the scene, I slowly stepped backwards. The word covered both of the drivers side doors, and was written in bright yellow paint. It stuck right out against the dark gray color of my car, impossible to miss.

I suddenly realized that someone could be watching me. I searched around for any sign of movement, terrified that they could be waiting to attack, or worse. The only problem was, my vision had gone blurry, and I wasn’t sure I could see anything for certain. I felt that I had to run away, so I immediately darted back into the store.

Inside, I tried to act normal. As normal as I could, considering that I’m sure my face had gone flush and that I was absolutely terrified. I headed down the candy aisle and fished my phone out of my pocket. With shaking fingers, I unlocked it, found the phone app, and tapped on my husband’s name.

“Hey,” Bradley said when he answered. I was relieved to hear his voice.

“Hey. So something happened.” I didn’t want to say it out loud. It was then that I realized I’d be explaining what happened out loud in the middle of the store, where anyone could hear me. I took off walking towards the back of the store.

“Okay, what is it? Do I need to come get you?”

“Someone, um, someone spray painted my car.”

There was a silence. “They spray painted your car? What do you mean?”

“Yeah, they… uh, it says the f-slur on my car. In big letters.”

“Oh. Shit. Um, are you still at the store?”

“Yeah. I came back inside.” I was starting to regain consciousness again, and realized that a man had walked up behind me. I jumped and “Ahh!” exited my mouth before I realized that he was simply looking at the chips.

“What?! What happened?” Bradley demanded.

First, I apologized to the man, then replied, “Nothing, sorry.”

“Oh, phew. I thought you were being attacked. Uh, do you think you can get home?”

“You mean like drive my car?”

“Yeah. Just get out of there. We can wash it off when you get home.”

“Okay, I guess so. I don’t know what else to do. I dropped all of the stuff I bought in the parking lot.”

“Just forget it, just come home. And stay on the phone.”

“Okay, I’m going outside.” I sounded more confident than I felt, but I was braced by the directions. I snaked my way through the aisles and headed towards the exit, avoiding eye contact and attempting to look the least suspicious that I could.

Outside, I looked around quickly to see if anyone was around. Finding no one, I continued into the parking lot, past my bags on the ground.

“What’s happening?”

“Nothing so far, just walking up to my car.”

“Okay. Is there anybody out there?”

I looked around again quickly. “No one so far.”

I approached the car, and couldn’t help but take in the full picture of what had happened. I’d never felt so terrified in my life, and was on the verge of blacking out when I opened the car door and got in as quickly as possible. The paint was still wet, and some of it got on my hand from the car door. Inside, it didn’t feel like my car anymore. It looked the same, but it was so foreign.

“Okay, I’m in the car.” I started the engine and my phone connected to bluetooth, transferring the call to the car.

“Okay, get the hell out of there,” Bradley’s voice filled the car.

It felt like anything could happen at any moment. Someone could jump out of hiding, my mind was jittery with possibilities. I put the car in reverse, backed out of my spot, and then put it in drive. Nothing had happened yet. And my car still worked.

I drove out of the parking lot, made a right turn onto the street, and sped away as quickly as I could. If a police officer had stopped me, I wouldn’t have known what speed I was going. I’m not even sure that I would be able to stop.

It was a small town, so it didn’t take me long to get out to the highway and head towards home. We lived fifteen minutes outside of town, right on the highway. We talked the rest of the way, as I attempted to process what had happened and keep myself calm.

It was when I arrived home that the emotions came rushing out of me at full force. It was all that I could do to get the car stopped in the driveway and put into park as tears began streaming down my face and I convulsed uncontrollably.

The car was still running when Bradley approached. He opened the car door and knelt down. “Hey, come on, let’s get you inside.”

I couldn’t get my body to move, so after a moment, Bradley reached in and unbuckled my seat belt. He pressed the engine stop button, and then scooped me up out of the seat. He shut the car door with his foot and carried me up the sidewalk and into the house.

In the kitchen, he sat me down at the table. I folded forward, burying my face in my arms on the table. He rubbed my back for a moment in a vain attempt to calm me down, then went to the fridge and poured me a glass of water.

In the safety of our home, the terror fully rushed into my body. I sat back up and noticed that I was having trouble seeing straight. I felt as if I could pass out at any moment.

Bradley returned to me and set the glass down on the table. He knelt down in front of me and asked me to look at him.

“Okay, deep breaths. Breathe in… breathe out…”

I followed his instructions the best that I could, my breathing choppy. We repeated, in and out, for a few minutes, and I calmed down enough to look Bradley in the eyes. He looked so scared. He offered me the glass and I took a few sips, not trusting myself enough to drink any more.

Bradley moved to sit down in the chair next to me. He seemed to be searching for something to say, and I wasn’t any closer to words myself.

It felt as if I had survived something, but at the same time, having no idea who had spray painted my car, it was almost as if it was a bad dream. The mystery of it was more terrifying than anything.

“So, tell me what happened again. You were in the store and then you came out and found your car like that?”

It sounded so pedestrian. “Yeah. I checked out and I had my bags and then I came around the corner of the store and…” It was hard to continue. I shifted in my seat a bit and swallowed before going on. “And then I saw my car.”

“And you didn’t see anybody around?”

“No, I think it was empty, but I’m not sure. I don’t even remember dropping my bags, I was just suddenly back in the store.”

“Did anybody else see what happened?”

“I don’t think so. I was just talking to you and then I left.”

Bradley looked down, taking in what I had said. Or, what little I had said. There were so many questions, and I didn’t have any real answers. I was scrambling to hold on to what little sense of self I had left. One of my deepest fears had come true. My craziest anxieties had been proven to be possible. I knew that I could be targeted for my sexuality, but it had never been this bad before. Everything felt so out of control.

He looked back up at me, and clearly noticed that I wasn’t doing well. “Come here,” he said, and scooted his chair over and pulled me in for a hug. His hugs were always so strong, and I let myself fall into him, holding on for dear life. We hugged for a long time, so long that I lost track of time. I could’ve held him for the rest of the night.

“I think I need to go to bed.” I didn’t know what else to do, and usually when that happened, I went to bed.

Bradley sighed. “Yeah, that’s a good idea. Let’s try to figure this out in the morning. You’re safe now, there’s nothing else we can do tonight.”

The mention of safety unnerved me. “Am I safe, though?” The question was on the tip of my tongue, and I had to ask it. I didn’t really want to know the answer.

“As long as you’re with me, you’re safe.” He grabbed ahold of my shoulder and looked me right in the eyes. “Nobody is going to mess with us here.”

I wanted to believe him. I desperately wanted to feel safe there. Deep down, I wanted to run away. I wanted to run so far away that no one could find me and no one would know who I was. Despite living so far out of town, it still felt too close.

I finally nodded at Bradley and we both got up and went into our bedroom. It was next to the kitchen, at the back of the house, and had an attached bathroom. I always felt safe there, as it was tucked away from the rest of the house and there were lots of trees surrounding the side of the house. Tonight, I was more grateful than usual for that feeling of comfort.

I changed into my pajamas while Bradley was brushing his teeth in the bathroom. Getting into our routine began to take the edge off of the night, but everything still felt really foreign. After I was changed, I joined Bradley in the bathroom and took out my toothbrush. I wet it under the faucet and squeezed some toothpaste onto the bristles. I started to brush, and looked at myself in the mirror.

Looking back at me was someone I didn’t recognize. My heart broke for whoever it was, as they had clearly been through something horrific. It brought the reality of the night back into full view and I quickly averted my eyes. I finished brushing quickly, washed out my mouth, then washed my face.

Bradley was pulling back the covers and I joined him in bed. He always liked to read before going to sleep, so we sat in bed with just a lamp on for a while. He quietly read, and after a minute, I leaned over and propped my head on his shoulder.

Listening to his breath go in and out, I was able to calm myself down a little again. Tomorrow, I would just avoid looking at myself in any mirror. No need for a repeat viewing of whoever that was. I tried not to think about what had happened, but it was so difficult. I searched endlessly for other topics and finally ended up reading Bradley’s book with him. My eyes went over the words, but I was barely comprehending them.

After an hour, Bradley stuck his bookmark in, put the book on his nightstand, and switched off the lamp. We settled deeper into the comforter and tried to sleep. In the quiet, my mind went into overdrive. I barely had control over it as the events of the night played out again and again. I began to see how little of it I really remembered for sure, but my mind rushed to fill in the gaps.

Questions swirled around as I wondered how I would ever return to town again. My job at the high school felt as far away as a country overseas, and I wasn’t sure how I would keep up with my usual responsibilities. I felt like a shell of myself.

I was awake in bed for hours, unable to get comfortable or tired. It was finally in the middle of the night that I fell asleep from mental exhaustion.