The Light

I woke up with the sun, and immediately put on a pair of pants and shoes and left the bedroom. Bradley was still sound asleep, and I didn’t want to be there when he woke up. The dread of the day before was still hanging around, and I wasn’t sure what to do with it yet. I went out through the back door, crossed the porch, and set off towards the woods.

The new livestock fence wasn’t complete yet, so I was able to easily cut across the field. The dew on the grass accumulated on my pants as I walked. As it seeped through, it began to feel cold on my ankles.

I approached the tree line and found the worn path towards the creek. Looking out for critters, I followed the path for a few minutes until I reached the big, flat rock that we had brought out to use as a bench. I stepped up onto it and crouched down, then sat and wrapped my arms around my legs for support.

I let out a big breath and took in the creek. It was unbothered by my presence, and that felt like a relief. There were bugs flying around and fish on their way somewhere, and they didn’t stop to notice me. The wind was strong, rustling the leaves in the trees, which overpowered the sound of the babbling creek.

I thought about what the guys had said to me during the barbecue. I didn’t want to get angry all over again, but this felt like a safer place to bring it back out. They clearly didn’t understand what it was like for someone to be violent towards your entire being, how insensitive it was to ask about it the way they did. It wouldn’t ever happen to them, so of course they wouldn’t understand what I was going through.

I rocked back and forth on the rock a bit, still holding my legs. I felt incredibly alone then, emotionally. It was strange to be surrounded by so much life and yet still feel like the only living thing in the universe. I knew that I was justified to feel the way that I did, and I attempted to believe that to be true.

I’m not sure how much time passed before I heard someone kick something on the trail behind me, and my heart jumped. I spun around to see Bradley making his way down the path. I tried to calm down, but still didn’t expect him to come find me out there. He looked at me with concern as he approached.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi,” I replied.

He slowly sat down next to me. “What are you doing out here?” he asked.

“Just sitting,” I replied. I realized that I was still holding my legs tightly, and released them and crossed them. “How did you find me?”

“I noticed that you were gone, but your car was still here, so I just went looking. You don’t normally like to come out here.”

“I just needed to go somewhere today.” I wasn’t even convincing myself with my answers. It was hard to explain my emotions.

“Yeah? That’s okay, I like coming down here. See any trout yet?”

“Seen any what?”

“Trout. You know, the fish?”

I should have known he was asking about fish, but what kind of fish was in the creek was the furthest thing from my thoughts.

“Oh! No. Well, maybe, I’m not sure which ones those are.”

Bradley just sat and looked at the water. I assumed that he was watching the fish to point out a trout to me, but then he looked at me and said, “I’m sorry for inviting the guys over.”

Relief washed over me. It was what I needed to hear, and I was surprised that it was so simple. “Oh, thanks, that’s okay.”

“I mean it. I hate how we fought, and now I know that it was too soon. I thought… well I guess I thought that it would help even if it was uncomfortable.”

“I kind of thought it would help too, but I think I’m still fragile.“

“I don’t think that that’s true.“

“No?”

“No, you’re the least fragile person I know. You’ve been through so much and you’re still putting on a brave face. I’d have skipped town by now, changed my name, and started over.”

I looked at my hands in my lap and thought about this for a bit. It hadn’t even occurred to me to run away. I wanted to stay here, with Bradley. It was my home. Even if I was scared, I felt secure with him, and wouldn’t give that up over a homophobic asshole.

I finally looked over at him and said, “I guess you’re right. It definitely doesn’t feel that way though.”

“Well, it will take a while still to get back to normal, but you’ll make it.”

I half smiled. “What would I do without you?”

“Probably skip town, change your name, and start over.”

I laughed. Laughed in a way that I hadn’t in weeks. Laughed more than the joke deserved, but it let me release. Bradley chuckled too, gently shaking his head.

I leaned over and rested my head on Bradley’s shoulder. I hung my arm on his and took a deep breath.

---

For lunch, we had the leftovers from the party the previous night. I didn’t want to see that potato salad ever again, but I also hated to waste food. We reheated the burgers, made up plates, and sat at the kitchen table to eat.

After we ate in silence for a bit, Bradley said, “I was thinking about what you said about me being able to blend in.“

I stiffened at the topic being raised again, but listened as he went on.

“I’m still not sure I understand it, but I didn’t know that you felt so exposed around here. I thought you felt safe in town. Of course, I see how that’s not true anymore, but I didn’t know that it was already the case.”

I was relieved that he was beginning to understand me. I nodded along.

“How about we do more things together, so that I can be there for you if something happens. At least for now. We can do the shopping together, and I can drop you off places if you want.”

I slid my hand across the table and took his. I whispered, “Thank you.”

“Of course. We do this together.”

Tears began falling down my face and landing on the table. We were back on the same team again.

After we finished our food, I grabbed the leftover cake from the counter and cut pieces for each of us. Just as we were about to eat them, Bradley’s phone rang.

“Hello? … Yes, this is him.”

From what I could tell, it seemed like the police, and my anxiety shot through the roof. I listened as Bradley gave “uh-huh’s” and “okay’s,” desperate to know what they were saying.

“Okay, that’s great news, thank you. Uh huh. Buh bye.”

I must have looked like anticipation personified. “Great news?!” I asked.

“They got the guy.”

I jumped up from the table. “Seriously?”

Bradley smiled in relief. “Yeah.”

I ran around the table and took Bradley into a hug as he stood up. I squeezed him hard. The cloud hanging over me for the last week disappeared, and I felt lighter than I had in a long time.

As we released, I said, “Oh, thank goodness. They got him.”

“They seemed pretty confident when they were here last week.”

“Well, I’m glad it held weight, because I really didn’t know what to expect.”

“Yeah, you never know.”

“Oh, cake! We were having cake. Perfect.”

I sat back down and we ate our cake. Afterwards, Bradley looked at me with a sweet look on his face.

“You want to go into town for dinner tomorrow? To celebrate?”

“Oh, gosh. Maybe.”

“Why not? I’ll drive, and we’ll go to your favorite place. At least think about it.”

“Okay, I’ll think about it.”

At this point, I was more concerned about what people would be saying. Or if anyone happened to get an idea when they saw me back out. Knowing that Bradley would be with me, though, maybe I could do it.

---

The next afternoon, Bradley found me sitting on the back patio. I was deep in a book, reading about an earl and a smuggler in early 1800s England.

He sat down in the chair next to me and asked, “How are you feeling about eating in town tonight? You want to go to the diner?”

“You know what, I think I am.”

Bradley smiled at me. “I’m so glad.”

A bit later, we got into his truck and made the drive into town. It all felt foreign to me, after having been away for a little over a week. Normally, I would go into town almost every day. Riding with Bradley in his truck, I felt safe.

The diner parking lot was pretty full, and we had to park in the back. I focused on my breathing to keep calm. After we got out of the truck, Bradley came and took my hand.

Inside, as we were led to a booth, I tried not to look around. I wasn’t very successful, though, and I caught the eyes of a few people. I felt watched, and was relieved when we could sink into the booth.

We ordered our food, and were discussing the strange new special that the diner was advertising when I noticed someone approaching our table.

My friend Nancy, who I worked with at the high school, stopped at the end of the table and said, “Hi, Chris. It’s so good to see you out and about. I was so sorry when I heard about what happened, I’ve been thinking about you a lot.”

“Thank you, that’s very sweet of you,” I replied. I wanted to say more, but I wasn’t sure what.

“Let us know if there’s anything we can do. We’re looking forward to having you back at the school.”

She patted me on my forearm, and I nodded.

It was such a small gesture, but it meant so much. I had known Nancy for a long time, but had never known if she was supportive of me in this way. Most people in town knew about my husband, but I didn’t speak openly about my sexuality.

“That was so nice,” I said to Bradley.

“Yeah, that was sweet, she seems really nice.”

“I’ve always liked her, I didn’t know that she cared that much about me.” I had a warm feeling inside, and looked forward to returning to the school.

Soon, our food arrived. I popped a french fry in my mouth and looked around the restaurant. It was refreshing to see everyone going about their day, paying no attention to me. Everything felt incredibly normal, and that brought a sense of calm over me.

With ketchup in the corner of his mouth, Bradley asked, “Hey, what if we get away this weekend? Go out to the lake like old times?”

I wanted to reach across the table and clear away the ketchup, but was still feeling self conscious. I replied, “That sounds amazing, I miss the lake.”

Bradley took another bite of his burger and nodded.

I continued, “We could take the grill and cook out, I’ve already got some burgers in the freezer we could make. And baked beans!”

Bradley pointed at me. “Yes to all that.”

I smiled. “Now I can’t wait, I need to get away from here.”

“I wouldn’t mind an escape either, I’ve been working way too much.”

As we finished our meal, the world continued around us. The waiters milled about in the diner, cars passed by on the road out front, and birds flew around above. Life was moving again.